THE SOCIETY OF UGLY NECKWEAR

Another week, another epic face/off between Pete & Carson for necktie dominance.

Pete arrived in an almost psychadelic red tie featuring a classic car (looks like a Studabaker) floating atop slipstreams of wavy sky blue lines. Imagine two hippie friends out of their minds swimming in acid fall into a wormhole, or some other space/time anomaly, & find themselves transported back to the early 1900s, where they kill a man in a paranoid rage & steal his car. This would be that car. Also, I’m sure this exact scenario has happened to someone at LEAST once at Burning Man. There was a mixed reaction to Pete’s tie. Some thought it was actually cool. Most people were just frightened & confused by it.

This week saw Carson bringing yet another epic home made tie to the table, constructed from what appears to be an old cut-up jean jacket. What’s more, there are POCKETS on the front of the tie (perfect for holding keys, credit cards & more), with fuzzy pink puffballs attached as trim. It might possibly be the single most epically ugly tie either of these two fierce competitors has ever worn. People felt uncomfortable just gazing upon it, & Carson rode the elevator down alone all day, after hearing “I’ll just wait for the next one”. Was the loneliness worth it? You’ll have to ask Carson about that.

Carson’s tie, being quite literally UNbeatable, did take the crown this week. But Society, if you took special note of the the part where I wrote “HOME MADE”, you have good instincts. Home made ties three weeks in a row? The judges suspect that Carson has been tie-‘roiding. The league is debating the merits of bringing a Senate Judiciary Committee to the table for discussions on the subject. Meanwhile, Carson is working on a book called “Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits, & How Ugly Neckwear Got Big”. It drops in the spring, & will hopefully be a smash hit (pardon the pun).

Ladies & gentlemen, there comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to double down. Usually this takes place against all odds (Take a Look at me Now!), & results in a severe beating. But sometimes, SOMETIMES, he pulls it off & comes out looking like a champion. Better for wear. It’s a longshot, but Lady Luck, she is a Foul & Beautiful Temptress.

Pete’s tie is Aces. He got a free coffee for that tie (that makes TWO tie-based coffee donations now), & was stopped on the street twice by passers-by for compliments. So imagine Pete’s surprise when he strolled in feeling confident & got a royal flush dropped on him in the form of Carson’s second-week-in-a-row homemade tie, which was embroidered with Mermaids — MERMAIDS! How can you beat a home goddamn made MERMAID TIE?!

Exasperation hits all at once, & Pete left the proverbial casino to sit in the parking lot & sob while sipping from a cheap plastic bottle of whiskey. Figuratively speaking, of course. Needless to say, the estemed Board of Judges were concerned that Carson’s actions might amount to Tie Steroids (Pete’s words, I assure you). Victory goes to Carson, but he was let off with a warning

Nevertheless, both ties are stellar on both the awesome & cool fronts.

We’re running a few weeks behing on Epic Neckwear Showdown updates. Yes, it appears we’re either feast or famine these days. Long dry spells between updates could indicate a few different things: 1. We’ve gotten lazy. 2. We suspended the campaign for a few weeks (okay, a month) to solve the nation’s fiscal crisis.

We gave up on that, though. Too much Hard Work involved. Figured we’d just stick with what we’re good at: Ugly Ties. Who knows, we’re just desperate enough that perhaps Laughter is what Wall Street needs to cure its ills. I ask thee, Dear Traders & Down-On-Your-Luck CEOs, aim yourgolden parachutes at us, & we shall deliver a stunning array of guffaws, chuckles & belly laughs. We’ve also been working on our Happy Hobo routines just in case we fall into a future as strolling minstrels.

Anyway, the showdown in question features Pete in a SPACE INVADERS tie. It’s like a perfect line of spikey 8-bit alien ships lined up diagonally northwest-to-southeast poised to ATTACK. Badass indeed. It harkens back to long Saturday afternoons at the arcade with a pocketfull of quarters jingling around while playing Galaga. Pete flexes to accentuate this badassity.

However, please inspect the smug look of superiority plastered across Carson’s face. Yes, that is the look of victory. His (admittedly wonderful) girlfriend made him a tie out of what appears to be a piece of turf from Boise State’s football stadium. With some fruit brightly illustrated across it. Okay, so we think it was once a cheesy tablecloth from the 70s, but there’s no way to tell.

A HOME MADE TIE. This is a first here. Pete attempted to cry foul, but then grudgingly took his medicine & slinked back to the corner.

We’ve had a bad case of the Olympic Fever here at the Society of Ugly Neckwear. Our best advice? Plenty of rest & fluids, some tylenol to keep it down when it flares up. And whatever you do, make sure you put your fingers in your ears & say “la-la-la-la-la-la!!” everytime someone utters the phrase “How ‘bout that Michael Phelps!”. This is a rhetorical statement & we are sick of it. At least we finally have an answer to the age old question: Can dominance possibly be really boring? The answer, we feel, is yes. No offense, Michael. You’re just too good. I fell asleep when you were half a pool ahead in the second lap.

Carson is rocking a tie which somehow manages to be psychadelic & classic all at once. Weird, trippy squiggley paisley-looking American flags dance & wiggle their way across it. The guy who made this tie must’ve had a pretty BAD case of the olympic fever. Like 105 degrees, brain boiling bad. Never quite recovered. Terrible story.

Pete went with the weird jungle motif featuring purple & grey foliage & a stealthly-placed giant gorilla at the bottom. The line of thinking here went something like this: A Fucking Gorilla Tie! TOP! THAT! Clearly, Pete is not happy with the judges’ decision on this one. Now he knows how that dude who lost to Phelps by .001 second must feel. That is most certainly the best “WTF R U SERS” face we’ve seen in awhile. And Carson? Well, dude’s got quite an impressive shit-eating grin. His mom was in the stands crying while this pic was taken.

USA! USA! USA!

Something is funny. Something is goddamn hilarious. What is so funny, you jerks? What? Oh, right, enough with the misplaced acrimony. This is about TIES! Sorry we’re a little dark this week. Gotta keep those lights off & save the office some money on energy bills. Because we’re energy & cost-conscious employees, that’s why. Or because we forgot to turn on the light & were too lazy to retake the pic. Either way, it’s good for the environment!

Carson is wearing a truly bizarre bold navy blue tie featuring the same scene overlapping itself. It’s a woman with her back turned to the artist (or would a tie maker be an ARTISAN? hmm), clutching a parasol & facing what appears to be some sort of maze that has been laid out in front of her. The colors are all very earthy, & it seems almost Egyptian. Also, there’s some sort of relic or sculpture/statue in front of her. Carson tried to convince us that she was watching an atomic blast. We disagreed, but saw how one might could see such a scene. Obviously, the artist/artisan wasn’t very clear about their vision on this one.

Pete’s tie is a clusterfuck of hot pink, deep purple, baby poo brown, red, navy & sky blue overlapping geometric shapes. The colors are crazy, but more than that, a little bit lazy. All overlapping & shit. What’s the point? Is it some sort of confrontational modern art, where the object of the piece is to inspire conflict through conventionalism? Because it inspired something more along the lines of eye-rolling. We think it’s just a shitty tie with ugly colors.

Everyone agreed that Pete’s tie was FUGLY, but the confusion & fascination that Carson’s inspired was ultimately just enough to eek out a win. Congrats on a nice round, gentlemen.

Lookie lookie, Pete finally got a haircut! Now he REALLY looks twelve.

What we’ve got here is a bright yellow & blue basketball-themed tie which obviously hails from sometime between the years of 1987-1991 (we’re splitting the difference & guessing ‘89). The post-modern geometry/sports combination is a refreshing twist on an age old tie-theme. After some careful inspection, it became obvious that the Golden State Warriors are to blame for this. It was probably created during the Run TMC era. What, you don’t know? C’mon! Tim Hardaway! Mitch Richmond! Chris Mullin! Run TMC! PSH, we scoff at your lack of general knowledge on semi-recent professional basketball history. The Run TMC-era Warriors were only one of the most exciting teams of…er, the early 90s? Okay, we forgive you. Point is, Tie is UGLY. Points for the poor form on that jumpshot, Pete.

Carson’s tie is shimmery blueish with grey bottlenosed dolphins swimming across the front. Here’s what we love about dolphins: They’re cute, they’re smart, they’re compassionate & understanding. They buy us a beer when we’re down, & listen to us complain about our dead end jobs & heartaches. They’re the perfect wingman for the Sunshine-On-A-Dog’s-Ass moment when we’re drunk enough to actually approach a cute girl in a bar. Ahh, dolphins. Always lookin’ out. They’re our boy. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Carson’s got a dolphin tie, blah blah blah. It’s pretty ugly, but definitely sweet.

At the end of the day, Pete got the nod on this one, though we assure you it was very very close.

Ladies & Gentlemen, we have a horse-themed tie & a dalmation (or cow?) spot tie. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? How do Pete & Carson unconsciously coordinate these things? Or IS IT EVEN unconcsious? D’you think they call each other in the morning & say “hey, let’s blow some minds today”? Or does it just magically happen. These two must ride UNICORNS to work! Okay, that sounds really gay. Which feels oddly appropriate considering their poses & facial expressions here. They’re also sitting really close to one another. It’s either cute or a little gay. Either way we can’t help but love it.

Pete’s horse tie is two shades of tan. TWO! SHADES! OF! TAN! The lighter of the two shades represent the little tiny horses splotched all over. Also, some of them look as if they’re doing dirty things to one another. There is some mounting & what appears to be some…well, horse sihouette-on-horse silhouette fellatio. We’re serious. It’s that weird. I think maybe the designer of this particular tie just ran out of space & started squeezing in more horses. The result is disturbing, but almost cool. And it really doesn’t go well with a blue, green & purple checked shirt.

As we know by now (or should know) Carson is an actor. This week, he reprised his role as the son of Cruella Deville in a stage play entitled REVENGE OF 101 DALMATIONS, in which evil mom Cruella starts systematically ridding the world of dalmations. Carson (as little Buster Deville) stands up in front of a Senate Judiciary Committee & testifies that mom is committing acts of Dalmation Genocide. The United Nations gets involved, & before you know it, Cruella is locked up at Guantanamo Bay indefinitely for questioning, getting waterboarded & enjoying some electroshock therapy via tasers attached to her ladyparts. It’s a heartwarming tale of truth, justice, & the American way, & is currently running off-off-off-Broadway in a shack ironically located three blocks from Broadway. But trust us, it’s destined for bigger things.

I believe we have a tie-tie on our hands. Good work, gentlemen.

On her last day with The Company, celebrated co-emcee of Ugly Tie Fridays, Jessica Romeo, presides over her final round. Here, she fondles the merchandise. Inappropriately, I might add. Pete is visably distressed. Or maybe he’s just coordinated with Carson to “front” on the camera. Ahh, these two fools are anything but menacing.

Aaaaaanyway, let’s get down to it. I think it’s pretty obvious here that Pete has not brought his A-Game. His tie is a diagonally-striped mishmash of patterns & textures, but it’s all quite dark. Organic, sure, but that doesn’t count for much in the grand scheme.

CARSON, however, is wearing a goddamn ridiculous tie. One might imagine his trip to work on this particular morning involving carpooling with 15 other clowns in a Volkswagen. Add a red nose, oversized squeaky shoes, & painted on smile, & he’s got himself an honorary degree from Clown College (excuse me, Clown UNIVERSITY).

A much stronger day for Carson, & victory, she is his.

Ahh, we’re slacking again! Deepest apologies from the Society of Ugly Neckwear, but really, what do you expect? Anyway, it’s time we knock this one out before tomorrow’s competition (it’s from a few weeks back — the last Friday in June).

Pete’s slick domino tie is an homage to parlour games everywhere. One thing’s for certain: This tie’s got more bones than a catfish. Thing is, Pete has no idea how to play dominoes. One thing he likes, though, is the IDEA of dominoes. We also hear it’s pretty fun to line ‘em all up on their ends in a long line & then push one over & watch ‘em go. Hours of buildup for a few short seconds of pleasure. Okay, so that sounds a little bit more like an exercise in wasting time. I’m gonna be honest, there’s not really a whole lot of appeal in that. Unless you’re shooting a commercial or something. For dominoes. The game, not the pizza company. Anyway, yeah…

Carson’s looney tunes tie was a little too gimmicky for our palate on the day in question. It left a bad taste, & on top of that it looks uncharacteristically crisp & shiny. Almost newish. I think this can be classified as a ‘mail-it-in’ week.

Pete took the competition, but the judges were roundly disappointed in the overall effort of the competitors. Shame on you two.

Look at these saaaaad fools. That’s what happens when you’re caught under the sticky thumb of an early summer heat wave in SF. It’s the 3rd day in a row with temps getting into the 80s & low 90s (ie. very fucking unseasonably warm for these parts), & Pete & Carson are suffrin’. Note that they are both wearing short sleeve shirts. That doesn’t happen too often.

The ties! Pete’s looks like a creamsicle with smallpox. Light orange with square pupley bruises (& orange bruise centers) adorn it. Somebody get the CDC on the line! We’re going to need a quarantine — nobody leaves the city! For all its faults, at least his tie is…what, geometrically even? It’s hard to find anything but fault in it. We’ve got an official card-carrying member of the American Rodeo Clown Association (ARCA) right here. A++, except next time wear a painted on smile & a squeaky red nose, please. Extra kudos for having a small pocket on the front for a pen. Someone out there with a nerd/clown fetish just did unspeakable things to their keyboard. Ugh, changing the subject.

Carson! If Edward Scissorhands ever got those real hands he always wanted & then went out & got his first job, but didn’t yet have the money with which to purchase new ties, Carson of today would be The Picture of it. Remarkably, Carson’s tie has a case of the small pox, too. Or maybe the black plague? Although the colors are very different (almost opposite, exactly), the geometric patterns are eerily similar. Aside from that, all the blank space between those rounded little purple & blue squares is full of scribbley lines. And of course we notice the nastiness factor (eg. tie innards turned out) right off the bat.

How these two gentlemen (although that is a word we use VERY loosely) get away with wearing these disgusting ties is beyond us. Your father’s generation aren’t even DEAD & they’re rolling in their graves! They don’t even have graves in which to roll in, but yet they are in graves, & rolling! Both of these gentlemen — no, FIENDS — deserve a sharp slap to the face, from a graceful & rightfully offended lady! And we seriously doubt that they have any table manners, either!

Pete wins…not soundly, but decisively.

Well, we’re late again. Sorry about that. Apparently, our reputation for being slackers has caught up with us & is not finally represented on this here ugly tie blog. The following commentary is from last Friday, 6/13.

The action last week was ferocious (as is illustrated here by Pete’s facccce). His tie has a bunch of embroidered lions lounging on it. They don’t look angry or hungry, though, but more like a pack of lions who have just recently — maybe a few hours ago — killed & feasted on a wildebeest or a couple of antelopes, & are now napping in the shade. It almost makes him look MORE regal & stately than usual. Not exactly what we’ve come to expect from Pete on a Friday. Some people liked it, but it clearly was not his best performance.

Neither was it Carson’s, but when you pair an otherwise unremarkably ugly blue, green & gold striped tie (really hideous fabric, though…I’m not sure what it’s made out of, but it’s definitely unnatural) with a 3X short-sleeved dress shirt, you achieve an unprecedented level of ridiculousness. For chrissakes, the dude looks like a human sugar glider!

It was a game featuring poor execution from both sides, but Carson was victorious.

We’re doubling up on the Ugly Tie action today — last week’s contest & today’s — since our photographer, Ana has been out of action last week. Congrats on the nuptuals, Ana! In her place, we’ve brought in Vin AKA Vinsanity. He has done a truly noble job of capturing the action. Last Friday (June 6th) was truly EPIC, & one of the toughest contests yet.

Pete rocked a Star Trek tie. Yes, there was a picture of the Starship Enterprise, & it said “Star Trek” on the bottom, even. He received comments throughout the day, was stopped on the street once, & even got a free cup of coffee because the barista couldn’t let a dude in a Star Trek tie pay on account of it being too awesome. Then she flashed him the Spock fingers thing, which is kinda like “The Shocker” for the space race (ie. nerd) generation. Pete was feeling a bit like a rock star (just look at that smug expression), & he strolled into the gaming arena like no man has done before. But perilous enemies awaited him in this final frontier.

Carson, scourge of the galaxy. Dude rocked a knit black tie with red hearts & a square bottom, & WON! Here is is pictured wearing Kris’ bike hat, for some reason. The tie was viewed as nasty by many of the judges, but some actually liked it. Pete couldn’t believe that he’d lost with a Star Trek tie, & started slinging allegations of scandal (what is this, the NBA?), but it was just sour grapes & he ultimately stepped back from these ludicrous claims. At the end of the day, the judges felt that a Start Trek tie was too “cool”. Carson seems to have a knack for pulling out close victories.

Ultimately, it was probably the best contest since the inagural bolo tie vs. midwestern feed salesman of Week 1.

We’re a few days late on the update here, but better than never though, nahmean? There were some network issues at the old office on Friday & consequently, we had to keep your salivary glands working overtime for a few days. Don’t worry, you will be compensated on the next paycheck. On to the commentary!

On the left, we see Pete in his best Used Car Salesman shirt rocking a skinny Southwestern tie that looks as if it were made by Navajo tribesmen hoping to cash in on our consumeristic economy. The pattern running up the middle reeks of totem pole & crude cave scrawlings. We doubt it’s been converted into a tribal arm band tattoo yet, but give it five years…the Douchebag Alliance will eventually find room in their ink canon for it. In reality, it is actually a prett slick tie, & not quite “ugly” since, in the right capacity, it could inspire some serious H.E. (Hipster Envy). We’re pleased that Pete is finally clean-shaven, yet amazed how he somehow retains every shred of garish charm.

Carson! Carson is Rocking a Goddamn Fish Tie! A FISH TIE! We’ve had discussions here about this happening one day, & it was completely unanimous that a Fish Tie is the PENULTIMATE ugly tie. No other tie ever made has been able to encompass the simplistic gimmicky horror of a fish tie. Automatic Victory came swiftly. I think it goes without saying at this point, but we will add that Pete bowed down at the very sight of it as if he had just discovered that Carson had the mark of The Chosen One (& in these dark times, suddenly there is Hope). ‘Epic’ does not begin to describe it.

All spoke up confidently, & Carson won unanimously.

The workweek is coming to a rapid close, & it’s time for another round of nerve-wracking Ugly Tie Championship League action.

The field is back down to two, & today’s ties range from cute to gimmicky.

On the left we have Carson using his tie as a hanky. Actually, the tie is adorned with tiny elephants-in-pajamaz, & so Carson is holding it up & making believe it is an elephant trunk. The pattern on the tie is cute. Too cute. It’s the kind of pattern that children’s books are based on (think Babar, but sleepier), & while it does harken back to an age of innocense, it’s not quite as loathesome as we’ve come to expect from Carson.

On the right, we have Pete wearing a tie shaped like a cigar. It took us awhile to figure out what exactly was special or ugly about this particular tie (“think ‘Cuba’” he said, & that was hint enough), but once we got it, the room let out a collective groan, followed closely by a rolling chuckle. Ahh, gimmick ties. When they’re not ugly in design, they are in shape. And when they’re not ugly in shape, they are in design. Sometimes both. Usually not neither. And more often than not, they are impressive to behold. Although the facial hair doesn’t factor into the equation, we feel compelled to note that Pete is rocking a self-proclaimed “Confederacy Beard”. Last we checked, the South wasn’t on the verge of rising again, but just in case it happens suddenly, we’re sure Pete’s life will be spared. A painstaking search of a Civil War General photo site (which is like porn to a reenactor) yielded a similar beard on Confedarate General Zebulon York [link: http://www.generalsandbrevets.com/sgy/york.htm]. An amazing name, no?

Here’s the full story on Zeb-Yo, in case you’re curious: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zebulon_York.

Gimmicky tie defeats cute tie. Pete Wins.

San Francisco is simmering in a mid-May heatwave & the entire UTCL crew are sweating it out in our respective offices. Our building doesn’t have air conditioning, but considering that roughly 350 days out of the year the very concept of it seems preposterous (really, is cold ass wind & a near constant blanket of fog something that makes you think you need an a/c?), we’re kinda diggin’ it. And really, what better way to cool down than with a gigantic iced coffee & some crazy ties on this hot Friday?

We’ve got a late entry into the field of competitors today, & he drew gate #3. We’ll get to Shalaco momentarily. We must follow tradition & go left to right with the commentary.

They’re out of the gate strong, & Carson’s on the rail dressed up like Kafka-gone-Christopher Robin. His stark Iron Curtain appearance is deeply contrasted by the Winnie the Pooh tie. Combined with the bad bowl cut & short-sleeved dress shirt, the tie makes him seem like an angsty teenager who’s been forced to goto church on Easter wearing an outfit he’s grown out of. Who is also Russian, or maybe just an emo kid who’s watched “Donnie Darko” too many times. In Carson’s defense, he’s just getting into character for a play he’s starring in as none other than Franz Kafka, himself.

Pete’s making a strong push up the middle. The tie is black with a patchwork mess of maroon, tan & beige curvy lines which, oddly enough, look simultaneously pre-technological & pixellated. The material once again has the look & feel of a cheap couch. Pete has a whole slew of these types of ties. Where they come from is anybody’s guess. Thanks to all the old men out there with wives forcing them to clean out their closets. Side Note: The patchy facial hair is beginning to creep south of the A-line (adam’s apple) once again, & is dangerously close to becoming yet another nappy neck beard. Pete claims he’s going to clean it up one of these days, but we fear the alternative. A beard is like an invasive vine: If you don’t beat it back every once in a while, you’ll soon find that you’ve turned into Grizzly Adams. The next thing you know, you’re living in a shack in the woods typing up your Manifesto. It’s a slippery slope.

Shalaco is wearing a simple blue tie with a proud coat of arms embroidered/emblazoned across the midsection of it. His tie is actually quite attractive, & would probably take the crown in a good amount of “attractive old tie” competition. Seeing as we’re looking to induce vomiting here, it falls a little bit short. The big guns are going BOOM (as big guns are wont to do), & this family heirloom is too seeped in rich history to hold up to the trailerpark noise Pete & Carson are bringing.

It was fairly unanimous this week: Pete took the race by a few lengths.