Look at these dispicable fiends! I mean SERIOUSLY!
Left to right, we have Carson sporting a very Asian-ish floral tie. Cherry blossoms? Whatever they are, it’s just a little too pretty to take home a v-i-c-t-o-r-y. He’s going for the “PRETTY ugly” tie (which, as it sounds, implies that the makers of said tie were attempting to make something beautiful & fell short), but wound up with a ”preeeetty ugly” reaction (meaning not quite enough). Ugly Tie Friday competitions are a Bloodsport, & Carson arrived this morning armed with a tie with Big Pink Flowers on it. ‘Nuff said.
Kris steps into the competition this week for the first time. Which one’s Kris? Well, first off, he’s the new guy. The one you haven’t seen in past contests. In a more immediate sense, he’s the dude in the middle of a goddamn HUNK SANDWICH, that’s who Kris is. Oh snap! Let’s enact a rule right here & now: No more homoerotic incinuations. Deal? Deal.
Kris’ tie was actually quite respectable in the morning, but then it became magically covered in Garbage Pail Kids. YES, they still make those things. I’m as shocked as you are, though pleasantly surprised that the Topps trading card corporation were able to pull off the ULTIMATE bring-back. Ahh, memories of illegal GPK playground trading sessions from 2nd grade are flooding back into the old memory banks. Most schools ban things like guns & drugs. Mine banned Garbage Pail Kids. Though in their defense, I turned out exactly as poorly as they feared I would.
Back to the task at hand, on the right we have Pete in a truly hideous number. An abstract painting-styled tie with shades of green, blue, purple & black atop fine Korean Polyester. I assure you, it’s 100% handmade. Yes, I am impressed by the fine craftmanship as well. The design, though. It’s just a shade beneath “Gouge Out Your Eyes” bad. It’s probably loosely inspired by a cheap painting on the wall of a Motor Inn 20 miles outside of Bakersfield. The owner of said motor in is a recovering meth addict, & he runs a tight ship, though his spirit has long been broken. The painting itself was made by a legally blind Vietnam veteran suffering from extremely painful flashbacks. They are neighbors. The painting (which the tie was inspired by) was made in his art therapy class, & in no way involves ambushes in rice paddies, explosions or death. Prolonged exposure to this tie, however, might make you wish for one or all of those things.
We have a winner, & it is Pete!
